This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
