I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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