Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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