god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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