her vagine was all disorganized.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
