dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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