Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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