I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
