I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
