you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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