Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
