Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
