he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize