Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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