we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
