remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
