My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize