I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
