I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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