Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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