i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My penis needs a shock collar
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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