Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
