I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
