i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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