I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
