I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
