Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
