oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I touched a dick in church today
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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