My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm too high and old for this...
tell me about the eggs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
