Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
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