I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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