He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
