I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
