Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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