my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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