Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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