Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
