Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
