And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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