his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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