I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
