Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
