I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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