I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
