____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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