you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
