We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She bit a glass in half.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize