My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
