i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
