im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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