a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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