I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
