I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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