you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
