I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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