Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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