just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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