I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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