I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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