1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
