So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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