I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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