i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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