She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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