There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
