Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
