I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Randomize
