ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
