The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
