Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she told me i tasted like america
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
