so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
