I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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