I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's official drugs can't kill me
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
