this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
