you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
